So what’s happening with me you ask? (You didn’t, but I’ma tell you anyway. This is my damn blog.)
I’ve been managing a Mexican street kitchen for the past few months. It’s been pretty great actually. It’s not particularly glamorous, I’m permanently covered in food stains, I work long hours and I don’t make a lot of money, but I’m happy. I love the company which is something I’ve never really had in a job and I’m going somewhere with it. I’m getting promoted again which is just crazy and I don’t feel like it’s deserved, but I’m going to work hard.
On the flip side - I was seeing someone for a while and it blew up in my face, so no surprises there. I seem to be that kid who’s picked last for sports. I get in to a good thing then someone better comes along and I’m either expected to wait to be picked or chucked aside like last Thursday’s Chinese food. Screw it.
I’m not sure how to end this post other than, in the last few months I’ve had some incredible times with friends and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so blessed.
How many of you live your life on your own? I wake up on my own, I go to work on my own, I do my food shopping on my own, I probably spend about 80% of my time on my own. I get lonely, but it’s not living life on my own that makes me lonely. I actually like the independence.
I have friends and they make me happier than I could ever really put on paper. There are friends I see every day, others I see once a year if I’m lucky, one thing that doesn’t change is the love I feel for them, the joy that seeing them brings and the unbelievable appreciation that despite all my fuck-ups, my annoying habits and awful taste in most things, that they hang about still.
I guess where my loneliness comes from is the idea that despite what I am to these people, that I don’t in any real sense, belong to any one person. I am a son, a brother, a friend, an uncle but in each of these settings there is someone who fills a more important role. Sometimes I wonder if that’s how it’s meant to be. Every cast needs its supporting members. You’re not in every episode, but you’re part of the story and that’s not so bad.
I’m 26 and it’s perhaps a bit too defeatist to say that I’ll never find love again. But are there any of you, who maybe have spent a considerable amount of your 26 years alone, who can say that you believe truly that it’ll happen to you? It’s not that I don’t believe it will happen, but more that I can’t imagine it, nor feel I deserve it. Maybe some day, but it doesn’t feel like it’ll be tomorrow.
There will come a time when you want to cut off all your hair. Do it. Realise that the thing you want rid of doesn’t lie in the long curls that frame your face so perfectly. Live with short hair for a while. It’ll grow.
You won’t always want to talk to people. That’s okay. When it’s late and you hear your friends talking in the next room, you don’t have to join them. You’re allowed your solitude. It makes company sweeter and it teaches you how to survive alone. You will need that skill.
In the winter, you’ll believe that nothing will ever grow again. You’re wrong. Every year, London looks like it’s on its last legs, wheezing through those last cold days in March. Every year, spring comes like an explosion and the city shakes off its sleep.
Mundane problems will get the better of you sometimes. Don’t worry. Try as you might, life cannot be an endless, beautiful, intense moment. Find comfort in money worries and late trains; they’re a welcome rest in between heartbreaks and breakdowns.
People will call you a cynic, a wry smile on their faces. Pay them no mind. You alone know that you are capable of a love greater than anything they can comprehend. You alone know that you are not willing to sell your identity and respect to the first smirking halfwit to pass by. It is not cynicism. It is reverence for your own vast and fathomless heart, and it makes sense only to love someone who understands that and is awed by it.
You will not always get what you want when you want it. Accept it. Your goals are not set in stone and you are not on a fixed trajectory. Sometimes, life will take its time and you will have to play the long, interminable game. Play it well and with as much grace as you can muster. Live at your own pace.
At night, you will occasionally wake up afraid, wanting to die. Don’t give in. Night plays its tricks, but you are not so easily fooled. Your mind will play its tricks, too. It will make you believe that you’re not who you are, but you must not give in. You take a breath and you tell yourself that you are here. That you always were.
”—Practical Advice for Difficult Women (#20 - 9th December)